Updated

Updated · The Guardian · Aug 19

25% of Young US Men Report Loneliness as Therapist Links Success Emptiness to Hidden Grief

Updated

Updated · The Guardian · Aug 19

25% of Young US Men Report Loneliness as Therapist Links Success Emptiness to Hidden Grief

Q: If telling men to open up fails, what surprising method actually unlocks the silent grief hiding behind their success?

The method that works is not urging men to “open up,” but starting with the emotions they already show most safely — especially anger, numbness, overwork, irritability, or distraction — and treating those reactions as clues rather than defects. Willner’s approach is to get curious about what those defenses are protecting. In therapy, anger is often understood as a secondary emotion, masking grief, hurt, fear, shame, helplessness, or a sense of worthlessness. Numbness can serve the same protective role. By exploring those states directly, men are more likely to reach the underlying loss: grief for the future they expected success to deliver, and sometimes for the approval or unconditional love they never fully received earlier in life. That matters because many men have been taught that sadness is weakness and that worth comes from achievement, provision, and self-control. As a result, grief often appears sideways, through emotional shutdown, restlessness, compulsive work, drinking, or relationship distance. Simply telling someone to be vulnerable can fail if the protective layer is not understood first. The evidence across the reporting points to a more effective formula: curiosity instead of pressure, self-compassion instead of judgment, and working from the defensive emotion inward. That helps men name the hidden grief, reduce its grip, reconnect with friends and community, and build meaning beyond accomplishment alone.

1 articles · Updated · The Guardian · Aug 19

Men who reach career, relationship and financial goals still often enter therapy feeling angry, numb or isolated, with the underlying problem emerging as unacknowledged grief over a life that failed to deliver expected meaning.
Four patterns make that grief hard to process: men may not recognize it, feel shame when achievement does not satisfy, express distress sideways through anger or numbness, and avoid seeking support.
Gallup data from May 2025 showed 25% of US men aged 15-34 felt lonely in the past day, versus 18% of women, while Pew found men were less likely to reach out to their networks.
Economic instability, inequality and family messages tying love or security to achievement can deepen the problem, making job loss, relationship strain or even success itself feel like a threat to identity.
Therapy, Matthew Willner argues, works by treating anger and numbness as protective signals, helping men name grief and build connection, belonging and satisfaction beyond work.